Blog Carnival

Everyone,

I found this over at Stay At Home Motherdom and she is doing a contest. So I thought I would join in. If anyone else would like to join in, go here for the rules. I wrote this essay a few months ago just for myself and I think it's pretty good. Enjoy.

There has been some pain in my life. Some emotional pain. There was physical pain involved, but that was nothing compared to the gut wrenching hurt I had sometimes. And it's something I suffered alone. I never talked about it with anyone but Juice. Not even my parents knew until we were in the thick of it. And even then I don't think they realized what was going on. You see, Juice and I couldn't have a baby. (Yes yes, I know we have Butterfly now, but go with me here.)

I don't know if Juice and I can ever have a baby without some Herculean effort by a doctor. Okay, maybe not that much effort when it comes to infertility. But still, a third party is involved. Which I think is totally unfair. I think everyone who wants to have a baby should be able to. But my wishful thinking doesn't substitute the reality. I probably felt at my worst when we were living in Provo. We had been living there for about a year. Our neighbor came up to us and asked us if we were new. He had moved in 10 months ago, and was trying to meet everyone. Um, no, 10 months of living across the way from you. 10 months of going to church with you, of saying hello on trash day, of meeting in the stairwell.

"Oh! 10 months huh? That's enough time for a baby. Where is your baby?" I think he said it in jest but it was not funny. We had been trying for a baby for about a year at that point, and no money to spend on any sort of doctor and treatment. I was at a point in my life where I felt so stuck.

Fast forward about 2 years to Sept 10, 2004. It was just a few days before my 24th birthday. We had been seeing a doctor for about 8 months now, and we were running out of money. I had just had my last treatment for the year, and we were going to wait until spring to start up again. It would give us time to save our money for the heavy stuff. I was at work. The front desk called to tell me the good news. We were finally going to have a baby! I have never been so happy and so scared in my entire life.

I thought that this day would fix all of my infertile woes, but it didn't. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when a friend told me she was going to have a baby and I was truly happy for her. I wasn't sad for myself, I was just happy. Peaceful. Calm. It was that day that I really felt what joy was. And it's nothing huge or life shattering. It's quiet, peaceful and small. It's like a sprout just pushing up out of the soil. It's like a gentle breeze cooling your sweaty neck. It's a big puffy cloud that you know looks just like your profile (and man does it look good!). Happiness is found in big things, but I believe that you can only find joy in the small stuff.

Safire