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Monday, July 30, 2007


I used to talk a lot about Soot on here before we had Butterfly. Our first little baby. She is just such a good dog. She rarely barks, doesn't have accidents in the house, doesn't chew up the furniture or anything. Juice and I frequently talk about what a good dog she is. We also wonder when we get a second dog (not in this house!) if that dog will be just as good. Probably. I mean, if you have 4 legs you can't spend all day in the house with an ex-horse trainer and not be good. Right?
Soot had her yearly check with the vet and her updated shots. She is 3 years old, weighs 14 lbs and is just a gem. Even the vet techs love her. They love that they never have to muzzle her to give her all her shots or whatever else they do back there. She is a picture of health. The vet was impressed with her muscle tone. She said that the best thing we could do for her was continue to walk her every day (it's not every day but pretty darn close!) and make sure she continues to get the proper amount of food. My old dog Nessie was always a little fat and I don't want that for Soot.
Lately, Soot has been earning her keep. About a week ago, she started to tear up our deck with her claws. She had this high pitched bark/whine going on and wouldn't let it alone. Juice pried up the board she was digging on, and down she shot. Back right up with a mouse. She shook it, and dropped it and took a few steps back. She sat down with her tongue hanging out and smiling. Seriously, she was so happy and content. Maybe satisfied would be a better word. Mouse into the outside trash, and a bowl of ice cream at our favorite place for a reward. (They give out free doggy sundaes with a milk bone in it and everything. How cute is that?!)
This morning, the crows were pecking our garbage all over our front yard. So I sent the dog outside, and she chased them away. I put on her lead out front and left her there to make sure they stayed away. Such a good dog.
She walks with us to the farmer's market and to the kid concerts every week. She just lays down on the blanket at the kid concerts and doesn't even give the kids a second look. (I have had to stop letting kids pet her because they were pulling out her hair! And she was crying! I hate it when the other moms just stand there and look at me when their kid is yanking out my dogs hair. Last week, I had a mom throw me dirty looks the whole concert because I told her 5 year old repeatedly to leave Soot alone. Now, I don't know about you but when I was 5, I would have listened to the adult. And I'm sure my mom would have made sure that I stayed away from that dog. Instead of putting all of her energy into glaring at the dog owner. Watch your kid!) Since I have been dragging Soot all over, she has become a very good city dog. She doesn't really look at people on the sidewalk anymore. And she waits to cross the street with me.
As Butterfly says, "I love my puppy dog!"

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Play Time

Okay, I have really bad pictures (quality wise, there is no bad picture of Butterfly) to show you of our play time yesterday. We walked to the farmer's market with Vinny as always, and then we stopped at a park near by. I had not been to this park and I was excited that it was all fenced in, and had no big drop offs and a play house and train! What a great park! Vinny and Butterfly ran and ran and ran and ran. Butterfly came back covered in dirt. It was even in her eye lid folds. But she had a fabulous time!
Once we got home, it was straight to bath and she turned the soap bubbles grey. I just can't get over how dirty she was. But she was glowing and rosy cheeked after her bath and just so cute.

Clean and dirty toes for your perusal.
Also for your perusal are a few new blogs I've added to my blogging list. The first is El Cid and Girls. She is a good friend of Juice's from college and made my Ren Faire dress. Check her out and say hello! Next is Keeping It Simple. This family just moved into our area and I have enjoyed reading her blog and getting to know her and her family better. Keep an eye out on my blog list as I am always adding new ones I like to read.
Juice comes home tomorrow! Yay!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007



Juice is in St. Louis until Saturday. I decided to go out of my comfort zone and ask a few friends over for movies and snacks. Just the girls. No kids allowed. Boy did I get a response! We may make this a monthly thing, because I had moms almost crying with thanks (not really but it makes a nice picture). I have even cleaned my house for this. You'd think I was as excited as they are!

Juice left at 4am this morning. I did not want to take him to the airport (gah, 4am! And what would we do with sweetly slumbering Butterfly?) so he took the car to the metro and left it there for me to pick up. Which Butterfly and I did early this morning. Did you know that you don't have to pay for parking at the metro station until 10:30am? No? Me either. But boy was I excited when I found out! Free parking!

Does anyone know how to make your toddler's diaper stop leaking at night? Because Butterfly's does. And changing the bed is awful...all jammed in that corner. I have put her in the next size up diaper at night and that seems to do nothing. I have considered buying the training pants overnights. I do wonder if I will actually use them and if they would work. I have gone ahead and bought something called 'diaper doublers'. Apparently the cloth diapering world swears by them and they are reusable. I bought 2 and will buy more if this solves my problem. Anything to stop changing that bed and washing the sheets every day!

So I've been doing a little research on cloth diapering and I think I may give it a go with the next baby. Not 100% cloth, but maybe 30%. I even saw that they have flushable diaper liners so you can just wrap it up and flush before washing the diaper. I think I may have my convincing story with Juice right there. I'm interested to see how they all work and if they are worth a little more hassle for less price. I figured I pay around $1000 to $1500 a year on diapers...that would be nice to keep some of that money! And sorry if this paragraph doesn't sound coherent...I'm just thinking out loud.


Sunday, July 22, 2007

Thoughts on Miscarriage


I remember my first day of 3rd grade. Okay, I remember that first recess. I was leaning against the warm red brick of the school, watching all the kids play. My eyes wandered from the big wooden playgrounds, to the swings, to the black top and the fields behind them. The kids all had bright new shoes on, and were still sporting summer tans. This was the first time I remember feeling lonely. Oh I had friends (I don't remember where they were...maybe the other recess?) but I knew that I was different. That nagging feeling of being different never left from then on.

In high school, all I wanted to be was the same. (Doesn't everyone?) But I was so tall and I just felt so different. Luckily, I had some very good friends who didn't seem to mind that I was different. I met Juice. He was not in the 'cool' crowd and was happy being who he was. He actaully started me on the path to enjoying my differences.

In college, I really learned to accept who I was and I was happy. Then Juice came back from his mission and we got married and all was well for awhile.

We lived on campus at BYU. The married student housing everyone dubbed the Rabbit Hutches. Not because they were so box like and small. But because everyone and their sister were having babies. Our ward had 3 or 4 nurseries at church, each with at least 12 kids. We were one of 4 couples in our quad that did not have kids or have one on the way. Each quad had over 60 families. I felt lonely there. All the moms would gather at the play ground in the center of our buildings and talk while the kids played. I tried to join in once or twice. Their conversations stopped while I was around. No one had anything to say to me. I don't think anyone knew what to say to me.

Suddenly, I was different again. And I hated it. Juice still had a year left for his bachelors and and I felt stuck. We had neighbors move in across the hall that asked us how long we had lived there. 10 months. He asked, "Well that's long enough to have a baby. Where is your kid?" By this time we had been trying to get pregnant for awhile and the comment stung. I withdrew and counted the days till we could leave Provo and the Rabbit Hutches behind. The women in the ward made it a point to single me out. I was their project. But sadly, when we did get together and do things, they had nothing to say to me. I had nothing to say to them. I watched silently as they lived the life that I so desperatly wanted.

When we finally moved away, we had been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years. I knew (through internet research) that we had a problem since most couples in their early 20s take 6 months on average to get pregnant. I knew we should see a doctor. We had barely moved to the east, and knew no one. Neither of us had jobs. The only thing we had was our car, our apartment, and Juice's school.

I heard an add on the radio for one of the many infertility clinics in the area. Since I had nothing to do, I looked them up online and read their articles. I was looking for a job. I clicked their job link. They had a job posted that sounded like it could fit me. And I did fit there. I started the next week, and already knew a whole lot about being inferitle.

I learned even more about infertility, and about the reproductive endocronogolists (RE) and what they do. Our CEO was LDS too. I loved him. ABout a year after I started working there, he started accepting patients again and I was one of his first. By this time it had been almost 3 years of disapointment after disapointment. I took calls from people who were pregnant and wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl as soon as possible. They did not want to keep the baby if it was the wrong gender. I ached. If only they knew how lucky they were. How special, how wonderful life is. And the ability to created life. Why be so picky?!

About 8 months after I started seeing Dr. CEO, I was pregnant and Butterfly joined us. She really did a lot to ease my past 3 years of suffering. I finally felt that difference sliding away. I don't know why but I felt I belonged to the human race again. I no longer had this silent pain hanging over me. I no longer was waspish with other pregnant women. I no longer hid from baby showers. I was on my way to being okay again.

I knew it took us a long time to have Butterfly. I didn't want to go through the pain month after month we we decided to have another. So we just hopped right back into our routine with the RE. New doctor (Dr. CEO moved to Utah) and new medications. But still moving in the right direction. It seemed to happen quicker this time. I didn't have time to be bitter. I knew we had found what works. Our path to conception was different than the norm, but I was okay about that. I felt proud that we had worked so hard again and we were going to have another baby. I even felt slightly sorry for the people who never had to use the RE. I worked for this baby. I was willing to take shots and endure embarassing procedures for this baby. I wanted this baby. I was proud that my hard work paid off. Natural conception seemed wishy washy to me. People thought, "Oh, let's have a baby." And they do. Like an afterthought. My baby was no afterthought. I thought of this baby first thing in the morning while I was taking my medication. I thought of this baby throughout the day as I had horrible mood swings, among other things. I thought of this baby as I was falling asleep. I worried, I fretted, I rejoiced, I cried, all before the baby had even been conceived. I changed my life for this baby. And I was happy to do so.

I never thought that once I was pregnant that I would loose the baby. And once I passed into the 2nd trimester, I felt free and clear. I was happy. I was confident. I was a little worried about Butterfly, but not enough to damper my excitment in having another one. He or she would be just as amazing as Butterfly. This baby would only make our lives better. It's what we wanted and worked for.

I did not want to loose this baby. It threw me back to feeling alone. Sure, everyone told me about having a miscarriage. Even my midwife said it happens to 20-30% of all pregnancies. But I never thought it would happen to my pregnancy. We worked so hard for it. We had our trial before the baby came. It came as a shock that we could not hear or see the heartbeat. The days that followed that ultrasound were numbing. I felt quiet inside. I thought a lot about that day in 3rd grade staring at the other kids having fun and not knowing what to do. I thought a lot about my lonely days in the Rabbit Hutches. I realized that the black hole that I crawled out of with Butterfly and skipped over with Baby #2 had caught me again.

Last time, I wanted nothing to do with pregnancy. This time, it's babies. I see people with tiny babies and I feel so inadaquit. I feel jealous. And then I feel bad because I am jealous and think that I shouldn't feel jealous but happy. I am not happy. And I can't seem to even think about babies and happy in the same sentance.

My RE is working with us. Things are going forward. I am bitter that I am different again. It is no longer special. Speical would be being normal. Being unconcerned. Being normal with a working normal body. I wish my babies could be an afterthought. I wish I could join everyone in the play ground instead of hugging the walls of the school longing to go out there. I wish that big bully didn't push me back when I had the guts to join everyone.

I wish I was still pregnant.


PS- The pictures are of a remembrance charm my friends Jill and Amy sent me from here. It came with a poem:

When a baby arrives,

be it for a day, a month, a year, or more,

or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment

the fragile spark of a tender soul,

the secret swell of a new pregnancy

the goldfish flutter know to only you-

you are unmistakeningly changed...

the tiny footprints left behind on your hear

bespeak your name as Mother.

Monday, July 16, 2007

That's my Favorite Dentist


Butterfly had her very first dentist appointment today. We all went at the same time. They cleaned my teeth (2 cavities and a filling appointment on my birthday...sigh) while she watched. They did Juice's fast (beautiful, see you in January) and then asked Butterfly back. I got to hold her while the dentist tried to look in her mouth. She succeeded by asking Butterfly to brush her teeth with a brand new Tigger toothbrush. Butterfly happily did because there was hot pink toothpaste. You mean toothpaste comes in different colors?! Wow! She also loved rinsing and spitting. She managed to spit it all out on that paper bib, but at least she didn't get too wet. She still is waiting on her second molars but other than that, the dentist says she has great teeth. No cavities, keep brushing.

She was very good and got her picture and a sticker and a yo yo. As we were leaving she pipes up and says "That was my favorite dentist!" We are now the dentist's favorite patients. :) I wonder if that means I can have a yo yo when I go back.


Friday, July 13, 2007

The Fruits of Summer


I heart our local farmers market. It's probably silly, but I get hyped up all day on Thursday to go there and see what new treasures they have for sale. Butterfly's good friend Vinny and his mom, Lelo, come with us every week. We've kind of turned it into an exercise/dog walking party. Lelo brings her wagon, I bring Soot, and we trudge the mile or so down the street to city center and the farmers market. There is a lot of talking between Lelo and myself. There is a lot of "Hey! Keep the rope inside the wagon!" There is a lot of waving to the cars by the kids. There is also a lot of sniffing and peeing by Soot. A great time is had by all.

July is National Blueberry Month. And boy do we have blueberries! I buy quarts of them at the farmers market (one quart for $5, a steal in my opinion...at the grocery store they are one quart for over $8) and we have blueberries for snacks. We have blue berry muffins. We have blue berry pancakes. We also have blue berry poo which is black sludge. I have to lock the fridge shut to keep Butterfly out of them. They are big, juicy, sweet, and oh so good. We seriously can't get enough of them here. Join us in the blue berry bonanza. Buy some from your local grower and you too can have black sludge as a result.

The gem this week at the farmers market was peaches. When we first moved here, I got all excited about being in the south and having fresh good peaches. I was disappointed when the peaches I bought in the store were moldy on the inside, and crunchy like apples. They had no taste. This week, I bought a big bushel of fresh picked (that morning) ripe peaches. They are about as big as your fist, and juice just runs down your arm. You really don't even have to chew the flesh...it just melts between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. The taste is rosy and sunshine and makes me think of hot summer days.

Listen to me wax all poetic about fruit. Ending now.


PS- Butterfly waves at the cars like she is the Queen of England. She has the wrist wave down, and the look on her face is "Oh, hello good people of the realm. Hello, hello." It is SO FUNNY. Lelo and I joke that her majesty is the royal carriage when she does this.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Heard at the Dinner Table


Dinner time. Butterfly was standing in her chair brandishing a green bean. She yells, "What's that?! Oh, a BEAN!" She then proceeds to sing the theme from "Jaws" as she slowly moves the green bean to her mouth. She takes a huge ripping bite out of it, smiles, and laughs so hard green bean goes everywhere. Rinse and repeat.

For as much food as Butterfly eats, she still gets it all over. Maybe that's where I'm missing all the food...it gets in her hair, clothes, eyes, toes. Soot normally does a good job of wiping up the floor but there are some things even the dog won't eat.

Today, Butterfly ate 1 bowl of Cheerios, 2 cups of milk, 2 packages of fruit snacks, 1 whole pb&j, crackers, a few pieces of cheese, a lot of water, one plate of Chinese food, and one fortune cookie (Your family and home are important to you).

It got to over 100 degrees today. Add the humidity, and it is hot hot hot!


Saturday, July 07, 2007

The Hotel Bed Syndrome


You know how when you go on vacation and sleep in a different bed, you sleep but you don't really sleep? I call this the Hotel Bed Syndrome. This is where we are at with Butterfly and her new bed. The first night we had no problems. She didn't get up at all and slept through the night with no problems. Then, the second night was a little harder to get her to go to sleep. She cried a little but went to sleep. Last night, she was up 3 times. Once because I forgot her teddy bear, once because she heard Juice come in from walking Soot, and once at 5:45am because she couldn't find her favorite blanket. I hope the trend does not continue like that. Still, it's pretty good so far.

She has been super cranky and crying a lot lately. She has big circles under her eyes, and she asks for a nap around 11am (normally I'm wrestling her down around 1pm). She is sleeping, but I don't think she is sleeping well. Which means that I am loosing patience with her. (It doesn't help that I'm staying up late reading Harry Potter either!)

I hope that the newness of the bed wears off soon and she can actually get some good sleep.


Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Butterfly's Big Girl Bed!


Happy 4th of July! And Happy Canada Day to my Canadian readers (which I have several)! Our 4th was very low key. We went to our church's breakfast this morning. It was nice. I ate too much but we sat next to someone new in the ward. So we got to chatting and their daughter (who happened to be visiting with her 2 kids, 3 and 1) went to Ricks College the year I graduated from there. Which means she's two years younger than me. And she already has 2 kids?! Lucky...

Sorry, tangent. Anyway, we lit those snake fireworks and called our celebration good. The big thing that we did today was buy Butterfly a big girl bed. We were in and out in 15 minutes. It was nice to be the only customers, early, and know exactly what we want. Butterfly had a great time rolling from bed to bed, and I picked out one that I thought was comfy. (Who knows, I may have to sleep on it in the future!) They also took off some money on the box springs because they didn't match and threw in the frame for free because this was her very first bed. I only spent 20 more dollars than my budget and I feel great!

We took it home on the top of our car (only about a mile down the road but I was terrified that it was going to fly off) and commenced the great nursery explosion. We left the crib up because we will hopefully need to use it soon. We moved so many things out of the room that are now sitting in the middle of my room. I can barely make it to my bed, but her room is so neat and tidy! We apparently have too much junk. Anyway, we also are using the dresser as a bed rail for a month or so and then I'll move it to the opposite wall. I think it looks cute. Thanks Mom for the super cute comforter! But can I just say that this bed is murder to make. Awful! And I thought making the crib was hard!

Butterfly slept in it with no problems for her nap. She was so excited about it she kept pretending to sleep while we were trying to set it up. I can't believe my baby is old enough to sleep in a regular bed.

Time is going by so fast!


Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Butterfly's First Movie


Last night we made an impulsive trip to the theater with Butterfly's friend Vinny and his parents. They had been begging us to go to the movies with them, and I had been pretty hesitant. I mean, I have a 2 year old. Would a 2 hour movie mix with the 2 year old's attention span? Oh, not to mention the time they take for previews (which I will skip next time, thank you very much...too scary!). But I figured we had to start somewhere and you can't really go wrong with a D*isney/Pi*xar movie. Why not?

So off we went. It was a little fraught with peril following Vinny's car (no no! don't loose it! Vinny!) and a poopy diaper change in the women's bathroom (no! no! I want DADDY! DADDY!) because there was no changing station in the men's bathroom. But we made it to our theater and sat down with our popcorn. Butterfly loved the popcorn. Good thing too because the projector must have gotten stuck or something. It paused on that screen that said turn off your cell phones and stayed there for 10 minutes. Finally Juice went out to see what was going on and shortly after he came back, the movie started. Yay!

Oh, before the movie started Vinny was holding up popcorn to Butterfly to show her and she said, "No thank you Vinny. I have my own popcorn." This kid is going to grow up very polite. Not a bad thing because it's so so cute now.

Butterfly was very good in the movie. She only had to be taken out once to have another diaper change (never feed your kid cranberry sauce the day before!) and she spent most of the movie with her head on Juice's arm. She did keep trying to say "Hickory Dickory Dock" because of the rat in the movie. At the end of the movie she clapped her hands and got the whole theater to do it too. But she sat in that chair and watched. I was amazed.

The short before the film was cute, and we were all laughing. (Butterfly included but I don't think she knew what we were laughing about.) The short was about aliens and at the end, when the alien ship sped away, she said "Yay hooray! We did it!" And not quietly either. The whole theater laughed.

At the end of the show, Juice asked her how she liked the movie. She looked at him, shrugged her shoulders, and said, "It wasn't Little Einsteins." Guess what her favorite show is right now?

And yes, the movie wasn't Little Einsteins. I am so happy it wasn't!


Monday, July 02, 2007

Hiking in West Virginia


On Saturday, we decided to do a little local sight seeing. Periodically, we decide to be tourists and see what the area has to offer. Okay, I decide, Juice just comes along for the ride. One thing that I have been really into lately is this national parks passport book I bought in Assateague last year. Basically it's a small blue book with places to get stamps of each of the national parks. The stamping station is usually in the ranger station and it says the date you visited and the name of the park. I think I have everything for downtown DC. I'm now working on getting all of the national parks in Maryland. There aren't many. Had a free weekend so we looked at the list and decided which park to visit. Harper's Ferry has been on the top of my list to visit for awhile so that's where we decided to go. Juice was all for it because he thought it was an actual ferry.

It is not an actual ferry. It's a small town in West Virginia where the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers meet. It's a very important town in civil war history. It passed hands 4 different times through out the war. Very interesting place.

So, on the way to Harper's Ferry, we got lost. We got to talking in the car and missed our exit. We missed our exit for about 50 miles. We were about 10 miles from Pennsylvania instead of West Virginia. Oops! It added an extra 2 hours in the car. (1 hour up, 1 hour back) My plan had been to get there, do a small hike and then down to the town for some lunch and looking around. But instead we had to get lunch in Hagerstown, MD and got to Harper's Ferry, WV at about 1pm (Butterfly's nap time). We passed through a very tiny part of Virginia and over a very beautiful bridge to Harper's Ferry. (Lots and lots of tubing on this part of the Potomac, looks like fun!)

The visitor's center is above the town, about 2 miles up. They have shuttle buses that run down there every 15 minutes. But we had Soot with us and couldn't go on the bus. So we took the easiest hike that starts at the visitor's center. That took us up to Murphy's Farm which overlooks the Shenandoah river. There is a very steep bank of about a mile down to the river. At the very end of the war, the Confederate troops (who had held this land before and so knew about the farm) climbed this bank (with cannons!) in the dark and surrounded the Union troops. They surrendered after their general died, close to this farm.

The farm is very hilly, and I can see how the troops got about half way across the farm before the other side found them. Here is Juice and Butterfly checking out the cannon marking the place where the Confederate troops stood. Imagine a big group of trees about 1,000 feet in the direction the cannon is pointing. That's where the Union troops were.

The weather was very beautiful that day, but it was still pretty hot. And oh the bugs!! I hate the little gnats that swarm your head no matter how much bug spray you put on. Soot was tuckered out by the time we got to the cannon and she decided to make use of the little shade it gave off. It's not every day you get to use a civil war cannon for shade!

One other interesting thing about this farm was John Brown's fort. From what I remember about the little signs they had up, John Brown was one of the slaves that started the Civil Rights movement shortly after the war. He was killed in the fire station house in Harper's Ferry. The fire house because known as John Brown's fort. It was moved to Chicago from Harper's Ferry in the late 1800s. From there, a lady saved it from demolition and moved it back to this farm. It was here until the mid 1900s when they moved it back to Harper's Ferry and it's original standing place. They left the foundation on the farm to commemorate this important building. Butterfly thought it was fun to jump off of it.

And because she fell asleep in the stroller walking back to the car and stayed asleep in the transfer, we just drove through the town. Besides, there is no place to park down there! I was disappointed we couldn't go wander around the little shops and the civil war picnic they had set up for the 4th of July. Yes, I have once again showed up at a place where they are having a celebration or fair and I didn't plan it. We drove passed the picnic and there were people dressed in period clothes passing out something. Stupid no parking rule! I made Juice take a few pictures of the town on the way through it.

I think it's worth going back to Harper's Ferry to do a few more of the hikes in the town, and also to see the part of the C&O canal that runs past. Plus, now I have to find out where the working ferry is (somewhere near Leesburg, VA?) so Juice can see it.


PS- Butterfly got a new state! I don't think she's ever been to West Virginia. So now she has been to 10 states. Pretty good for only being 2 years old. I have been to 41 states, and Juice, I believe 28.