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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Feeling Useless

Everyone,

When I was 8 or 9 years old, I remember helping my parents pack the car for a vacation. I think we were going to Mt. Rushmore. I had finished putting all of my stuff in the big silver van we called Flipper, and I was just kind of hanging around. My Dad asked me to take the video camera out to the car in it's case. It was heavy! But I was determined to be useful so I lugged it out there. As I was hauling it out, I heard my Dad say, "I don't know what we'd do without her. She's so capable."

Boy that gave me a warm fuzzy! And I was determined to be capable from that day on. And for some odd reason in my mind, capable also meant being strong. Later, I added healthy to that definition. I always wanted to pull my own weight, so to speak.

When I was at college in Idaho, I took a class about horse training and we each had our own colt to take care of and train. We were in charge of everything about the horse...the feed, water, care, etc. I used to get up at 5am (or earlier) just to go to the barn in the mornings and clean my horse's stall before I had to go to class. Since I was almost always the first one there in the mornings, I not only fed and watered my own horse, I cleaned her stall and then chipped the ice off the other horse's water buckets and watered them too. All 15 of them or so. I just hated seeing all those horses banging on their stalls wanting to be fed. My teachers called me the most capable out of the bunch.

I've been on bed rest for a few days now, and it's driving me a little crazy. I no longer feel capable. I can't pull my own weight and I just have to depend on others to do everything. Okay, mostly I depend on Juice to do things and he's doing an awesome job. I just wish I could help out with things like the laundry. Or the bathroom cleaning. Or really anything. Anything besides sitting here on the couch or in my bed just sitting. Juice keeps telling me I am not doing nothing, I am growing people and that's hard work. But I guess it's just that I can't actively do anything that is driving me a little batty. I'm so used to be able to lift things, run around, do my own thing, and see results that this is frustrating to me. I mean, I don't see 15 full buckets of water or a house full of clean and folded laundry. All I see is me sitting around getting huge.

Only a few more weeks. This morning my little ticker said I had 39 days left till my due date. My doctor has scheduled me for my c-section on April 29th, which is 28 days away. Welcome to April, the month these boys are going to be born!

And then I can go back to being capable. Hopefully.

Safire

9 comments:

  1. I can sympathize with the way you're feeling, and yet I also agree with Juice. It's frustrating because you don't have much choice in the matter. :( You can make it through another few weeks!

    On a side note, though, your memories of those isolated comments that were made to you when you were younger, and the impact that they had on you and how you felt about yourself made me think about the things that I say to my kids. What kind of self-concept am I leaving them with? Hopefully they will be as good as yours!

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  2. I tried to call you earlier but it just rang. Where were you? :) I can totally feel for you! After #3 I got rid of the chair I spent 6 weeks in I just couldn't bring myself to sit there EVER again! Maybe it's time for a new couch. :) Good luck!!

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  3. oh, you will be much more than capable. You will be doing double-duty, which will feel a lot like 15 buckets of water all at once! I admire you and look to you as an example. (Not that I want twins or anything...)

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  4. Juice is right you are doing one of the most amazing jobs there is!! I can only imagine how hard it must be, but hang in there -- it will be so worth it when you'll be able to bring those boys home with you!

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  5. Rest up and these little guys will be here before you know it! I love reading your blog and can't wait to read all about the boys' birth story.

    Melissa (from the long-ago TTC over 20 board)

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  6. Oh, sweetie, this must be so frustrating for you! I would be out of my mind, too, just for the record. But! Try to think of this time as doing the very best you can for your babies---giving them everything they need to stay put and grow up as much as possible. And, think of it as storing up energy, for the wild ride you'll have once the babies are safely home. By then, you'll be proving your worth by 10X!

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  7. Keep your eye on the prize - you're nearly there.

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  8. But you ARE doing something!! You are incubating your beautiful baby boys and there is no more important job in the entire world than what you are doing right at this very moment.

    When our triplets were born 10 weeks early, I remember thinking that if I could have done something, anything, differently - I would have. I would have done ANYTHING to let them have just a little more time to gestate.

    It might sound trite, but enjoy your rest. As much as you can, sleep - relax - and savor the quiet. Very soon, these leisurely days will be but a faint memory...

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  9. Laura- yes, only a few more weeks! Days really! And I wonder about my isolated comments to Butterfly too. It's because I remember what these people have said about me that I try really hard to only be positive when talking about her. (Although it's not hard...she is so cute! :))

    Valinda- I was on the phone to my mom I think...or it could have been my best friend in Utah. I spent a lot of time on the phone the other day. :) No, no new couch for us as we just bought this one last year. I just plan on spending time away from it!

    Julia- Oh why not? Twins are fun! :)

    Jill- You are so right but sometimes it's hard to see past another boring same day, you know?

    Melissa- Nice to see you again! I'm looking forward to the boys birth story too. Should be interesting. :)

    Deanna- I hope I am storing up energy! I am storing up mental energy and maybe that will help.

    Splats- By the time you get to where I am, your babies will be born! Hopefully you will never have to do this! :)

    Jen- Hey thanks for stopping by! I've enjoyed reading your blog and it's helped me so much in knowing I can take care of these guys AND Butterfly just fine. I really hope that this bed rest is as helpful as it can be. Only days left really!

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I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. --Helen Keller