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Saturday, June 02, 2007

It was supposed to be happy.

Everyone,

Today was the day that I was supposed to share some good news with you. After more struggles to get pregnant, we did! I didn't want to say anything here because I wanted to tell our family in person. And we just came back from our family. So we were all happy and things seemed to be going normally.

Then I went to the doctor for a routine visit. No heartbeat on the doppler. No heartbeat on the ultrasound at the office. No heartbeat at the emergency ultrasound at the hospital. Baby was measuring around 13 weeks, when I should have been around 16 weeks.

We are sad. We are unhappy. I am especially unhappy because this throws us back into the infertility world of shots and timing and the like. I know I don't talk about it much on here because it makes me very dark and moody. But back we go. If I swore, now would be a good time for an oath.

The worst part is loosing what was supposed to be. We were supposed to have a baby around Thanksgiving. We were supposed to fly home in March for my Grandpa's 80th birthday with another cute one. We were supposed to give Butterfly a sibling. It was supposed to work. We were going to be happy. I was getting all excited to pull out all the clothes we would need. I picked out the double stroller I wanted. We have everything but the mattress to move Butterfly into a big girl bed so the new baby could use the crib.

But now, it's just sad. Yes, I can still do some of those things when we get pregnant again. But now Butterfly and the new baby will be that much farther apart in age. And if it takes us awhile to get pregnant, again, like it always does, they will be even farther apart. I now have to worry about loosing baby fat with no baby to cuddle.

It's just plain sad.

Safire

5 comments:

  1. *big hugs* I'm sorry. You are such a strong person, and a wonderful mother. You've got my love and you're in my prayers.

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  2. Oh Cat! (((hugs))) I am so sorry. You have every right to be sad -- your dreams have dissapperaed into dust. You started to dream of this baby since the day you got a positive pregnancy test. You dreamt of the day he or she would be born, what he or she would look like, of his or her place in your growing family, etc. Take the time to mourn all these feelings. Let your anger out -- because it isn't fair!! I wish that I could be there in person to give you a hug and listen to you, or just sit in silence and hold your hand. I am here when you need me. Just let me know. (((((hugs)))))

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  3. Cat I'm so sorry! I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm here if you need me and need to talk! You are an amazing mother and woman, I love you and I'll always be here! You're in my prayers. ((((((hug))))))

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  4. Oh Cat, I'm so sorry. I'm just heartbroken for you.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. I am so sorry I hadn't had a chance to check your blog before now. I am sorry this has happened to you and I will be thinking about you and your family.

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I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. --Helen Keller